Relapse Doesn’t Mean Recovery Has Failed.

What a Relapse Can Teach Us About Moving Forward.

Relapse can be devastating.

Maybe you had a few days of recovery.

Maybe a few months.

Maybe several years.

You began believing things were changing. People started trusting you again. Perhaps you started trusting yourself again.

And then something happened.

You drank.

You used.

You gambled.

You returned to the food, nicotine, sexual behavior, gaming, or other compulsive behavior you had worked so hard to leave behind.

And now you may be sitting there wondering:

Did I just throw everything away?

I don't believe you did.

A relapse is serious. It can have painful consequences, and sometimes dangerous ones.

But relapse does not erase everything you have learned.

What matters now is what you do next.

The Shame After a Relapse Can Be Worse Than the Relapse

For many of us, the behavior itself is only part of what happens.

Then comes the shame.

I knew better.

I disappointed everyone.

I ruined everything.

I can't believe I did this again.

What's wrong with me?

Those thoughts can become dangerous because shame often pushes us toward exactly the thing we're trying to escape.

We feel terrible.

We want relief from feeling terrible.

So we return to the addiction.

Then we feel even worse.

And the cycle begins again.

Recovery asks us to interrupt that cycle.

Not by pretending the relapse didn't matter.

But by refusing to turn a mistake into permission to give up.

A Relapse Is Not the Same as Starting Over

People sometimes say after a relapse:

I'm back at square one.

I understand why it feels that way.

But are you really?

You know things today that you didn't know when you first entered recovery.

You've experienced periods without the addiction.

You've learned something about yourself.

You've probably identified some triggers.

You've discovered some things that help.

You've discovered some things that don't.

Perhaps you've worked some of the Twelve Steps.

Maybe you've repaired relationships.

You've experienced moments of peace you didn't think were possible.

None of that disappears because you relapsed.

Your sobriety or abstinence date may change.

Your experience does not disappear.

You're not beginning from nothing.

You're beginning again with more information.

Ask What Happened Instead of Asking What's Wrong With Me

One of the most useful questions after a relapse may be:

What happened?

Not:

What's wrong with me?

Those are very different questions.

"What's wrong with me?" usually leads toward shame.

"What happened?" leads toward understanding.

Look backward.

Not just at the moment you returned to the addiction.

Look at the hours, days, or weeks before it happened.

What was changing?

Were you becoming isolated?

Were you angry?

Were you carrying a resentment?

Were you frightened about something?

Were you lonely?

Were you exhausted?

Had you stopped praying or meditating?

Had you stopped writing?

Had you stopped talking honestly with people?

Did you stop doing the things that had been helping your recovery?

Did you begin thinking that perhaps you could control the addiction this time?

The relapse may have happened in a moment.

The road toward it may have started much earlier.

Relapse Can Begin Before We Drink, Use, Gamble, or Act Out

We often think of relapse as the moment we return to the addictive behavior.

But sometimes the process begins long before that.

We start withdrawing from people.

We stop being honest.

We begin romanticizing the past.

We remember the pleasure and forget the pain.

We start telling ourselves:

Maybe it wasn't really that bad.

Or:

I've changed. I can control it now.

Or:

Just once won't hurt anything.

We may become increasingly resentful, angry, lonely, or spiritually disconnected.

Little by little, our thinking begins moving back toward the addiction.

Recognizing those warning signs can become one of the most valuable lessons a relapse teaches us.

Don't Waste the Lesson

I would never suggest that someone needs to relapse in order to recover.

We don't.

But if a relapse has already happened, we can learn from it.

That's very different from excusing it.

Ask yourself:

What did this relapse teach me that I need to know?

Maybe you discovered that a particular situation is more dangerous for you than you realized.

Maybe you learned that isolation is a warning sign.

Maybe you discovered that resentment affects you more deeply than you thought.

Maybe you stopped doing something that had been keeping you grounded.

Maybe you realized you need more support.

Maybe you learned that you cannot safely return to the addiction in moderation.

Those lessons can become part of a stronger recovery.

Don't waste them by burying them under shame.

Tell Someone What Happened

One of the first instincts after relapse may be to hide.

We don't want people to know.

We're embarrassed.

We're afraid someone will be disappointed.

We may even try to convince ourselves that if nobody knows, perhaps it didn't really happen.

But secrets give addiction room to grow.

Tell someone.

A sponsor.

A counselor.

A trusted friend.

A family member.

Someone in recovery.

Someone you trust.

You don't need to tell the entire world.

But try not to carry the relapse completely alone.

Sometimes saying:

I relapsed and I need some help

is the first action of our renewed recovery.

Get Through Today Before Solving Tomorrow

After a relapse, we can immediately start worrying about everything.

What will my family think?

How do I rebuild trust again?

Did I ruin my relationship?

What happens at work?

How am I ever going to stay clean or sober forever?

Those may be important questions.

But they don't all need answers today.

First things first.

What do you need to do to stay safe today?

Who do you need to contact?

What situations do you need to avoid?

What substances, money, devices, people, places, or opportunities might put you at immediate risk of continuing the relapse?

What can you do for the next hour?

Then the next?

Recovery can become manageable again when we return to something very simple:

One day at a time.

And sometimes one hour at a time.

Go Back to the Basics

When things become complicated, returning to the basics can help.

Be honest.

Ask for help.

Avoid the next drink, drug, bet, cigarette, binge, or compulsive behavior.

Eat.

Rest.

Talk with someone.

Attend a meeting if meetings help you.

Call your sponsor if you have one.

Write.

Pray.

Meditate.

Read something that reminds you why you wanted recovery in the first place.

You don't need an elaborate recovery plan in the first few hours.

You need the next right action.

Then another.

Put the Relapse on Paper

Writing about what happened can be extremely helpful.

Try creating a timeline.

Begin several days or even weeks before the relapse.

Ask yourself:

How was I feeling?

What was happening in my relationships?

What was I thinking about?

Was I becoming isolated?

What recovery activities had I stopped doing?

What warning signs were present?

When did I first begin thinking about returning to the addiction?

What did I tell myself that made it seem acceptable?

What could I do differently if those circumstances happen again?

Don't write this as a punishment.

You're gathering information.

You're trying to understand your own pattern.

That knowledge can help protect your recovery in the future.

What About the People I've Disappointed?

This can be one of the hardest parts.

Someone may be angry.

Someone may be frightened.

Someone may not trust you.

Someone may have heard promises before.

We cannot control how other people respond.

And sometimes another apology isn't what they need.

They need time.

They need consistency.

They need to see change.

Recovery gives us the opportunity to stop trying to convince people with words and begin showing them through our actions.

We cannot demand trust.

We can become trustworthy.

One day at a time.

Don't Turn One Relapse Into a Full Return to Addiction

There is a dangerous thought that can appear after relapse:

I've already ruined everything, so I might as well keep going.

That thought has probably turned many brief relapses into weeks, months, or years of additional suffering.

You do not have to wait until Monday.

You do not have to wait until tomorrow.

You do not have to finish what you bought.

You do not have to have one last time.

Recovery can begin again right now.

The sooner we interrupt the cycle, the less damage it has an opportunity to cause.

What If This Isn't My First Relapse?

Then perhaps there is more to learn.

That's not meant as criticism.

If the same thing keeps happening, something in the recovery plan may need to change.

Look for patterns.

Do your relapses happen around certain emotions?

Relationships?

Times of year?

Paydays?

Loneliness?

Stress?

Celebrations?

Arguments?

Do they happen after you stop working the Steps?

After you become isolated?

After you start believing you no longer need support?

Repeating the same recovery plan and hoping for a different result may not be enough.

Be willing to change something.

Maybe you need more support.

Maybe you need professional help.

Maybe you need to work the Steps more thoroughly.

Maybe you need to become more honest.

Maybe there are emotional wounds you've been avoiding.

A relapse can be a signal that something needs attention.

Listen to it.

Recovery Is Progress, Not Perfection

Recovery does not make us perfect.

We are still going to make mistakes.

We are still going to have bad days.

We will still experience anger, fear, resentment, loneliness, disappointment, and grief.

The goal isn't to create a life where nothing difficult happens.

The goal is to learn how to live through difficult things without returning to the behavior that once controlled us.

That takes practice.

And practice includes learning.

You Haven't Lost Everything You've Learned

Think about who you were when you first began recovery.

Now think about what you know today.

Even after a relapse, there may be important differences.

You know recovery is possible because you've experienced it.

You know what certain warning signs feel like.

You know there are people who understand.

You know there are tools you can use.

You know something about the Twelve Steps.

Most importantly, you now know something else:

There is something about your recovery that needs attention.

That knowledge can become useful if you're willing to act on it.

Get Back Up

We often judge ourselves much more harshly than we would judge someone else.

If another person in recovery came to you and said:

"I relapsed. I feel terrible. I think I've ruined everything."

Would you tell them to give up?

Probably not.

You might tell them:

Learn from what happened.

Ask for help.

Get back to what was working.

Change what wasn't.

Try again.

Perhaps you deserve the same compassion.

You made a mistake.

Now decide what you're going to do with it.

Your Next Decision Matters More Than Your Last One

You cannot change what happened yesterday.

You cannot change what happened an hour ago.

But you still have some control over what happens next.

You can continue.

Or you can stop.

You can hide.

Or you can tell someone.

You can surrender to shame.

Or you can learn.

You can decide that recovery failed.

Or you can recognize that recovery is asking you to begin again with a little more wisdom than you had before.

Your last decision brought you here.

Your next decision can begin taking you somewhere different.

A Guiding Light for the Journey

A Guiding Light was created for people seeking recovery—including those who may be trying again.

Our 12-Step workbooks, recovery journals, reflections, videos, and other resources are designed to help you examine what's happening in your life, recognize patterns, and put the principles of recovery into practice.

If you've relapsed, don't allow shame to convince you that there is no way back.

There is.

Look at what happened.

Learn what you can.

Ask for help.

Make whatever changes are necessary.

And begin again.

You don't need to recover perfectly.

You need to keep moving forward.

One honest decision.

One Step.

One day at a time.

Wishing you strength, hope and recovery.